Do you prefer Gin and Platonic or Scotch and Sofa?

This is for a platonic, outdoor chick to accompany on various camping, kayaking, and hiking trips. Applicants are encouraged to make up their own responses. Creativity, humor and references to criminal or sexual deviancy are encouraged and subject to a more favorable score. I first posted this in June, however position is still open. There are several spots available, so check the schedule on the right side of the blog and see if you're interested in adventure

1.) I comfortably climb
A. The stairs at the mall
B. 5.10 or below
C. 5.11 or above

2.) I would complain vocally if
A. I had a sunburn.
B. The incompetent lout at Starbucks made my mocha latte the wrong temperature.
C. Both my legs were broken.

3.) Pancakes and eggs are
A. Some kind of breakfast food.
B. One of the great pleasures in life.
C. I wouldn't know. I'm a vegan and only eat non-violently harvested soybeans.

4.) I would react to a non life-threatening injury of my friends by
A. Turning a funny color and passing out.
B. Rushing to his or her assistance with a first aid kit and the knowledge of how to apply.
C. Pointing and laughing.

5.) I am filling this out because
A. I fell off the jungle gym and wound up in here.
B. This keeps me from masturbating so much.
C. I like to endlessly tease Mike Blitch by crushing his hopes and fantasies like a kumquat.
D. I want to be the best damn token female camping chick I can be.

6.) I would describe my physical appearance as
A. I'm hot.
B. I clean up real good.
C. I can barely see through my dreadlocks and am currently eating cold refried beans out of a can with a stick. Soap weighs too many ounces.

7.) I would describe my mental stability as
A. I'm fairly level headed.
B. Unfuckwithable.
C. Sometimes I watch you sleep.
D. "It puts the lotion in the basket!!!"

8.) I am fearful of
A. Heights.
B. Unusually large chipmunks.
C. Absolutely nothing, you pansy

9.) My mental acuity would best be described with the phrase
A. What does acuity mean? My favorite color is clear.
B. I'm gonna go to tech school to be a welder.
C. I's smart enough to read this here sentence.
D. I have a Masters degree or Ph.D and can school you into the ground, bitch!

10.) As far as Paris Hilton goes
A. She is my role model.
B. I want to slap her with her dead rat dog.

11.) One of my most defining characteristics is
A. My sense of humor.
B. My ability to push past minor discomfort and focus on the trail.
C. My addiction to crystal meth.

12. The craziest thing I've ever done on a scale of 1-10 would be_________. If "1" were to equal you walking around all day at the mall and not finding anything that fits, and if 10 were to equal you being in a cage fight with a wildabeast while rabid wolves are gnawing on your armpits.

13. My friends would describe my personality as:
A. Bubbly and sometimes a little air headed
B. Fun and witty
C. A tourettic homicidal maniac diagnosed with advanced delusional schizophrenia and involuntary narcissistic rage.

14. When someone mentions "The Great Outdoors" the first thing that comes to your mind is:
A. "Do they take credit cards?"
B. "I hope the showers and toilets are clean...there aren't going to be bugs are there?"
C. "Camping, and having a GREAT time with the coolest Tampa hiker around!"

15. When it comes to drinking:
A. I only have a few...just enough to get a buzz and then I'm done.
B. I don't drink
C. Sometimes I wake up with puke all over my hair and rug burns on my knees.... thats about the time I notice that I'm in bed with 3 dudes, a chick, peanut butter everywhere, and I've got absolutely no clue where I'm at, My keys and purse are gone...and ironically so are my pants....Drinking rocks!

16. When it comes to cell phones I:
A. Had it surgically attached to my head
B. Answer it when it's someone important
C. Hate that godforsaken electronic object.
D. Just turn it on vibrate and write my number on all the bathroom stalls.

17. When it comes to drama...
A. My life is like a soap opera with a shiny smile
B. I hate my parents and the world. The army of darkness is upon us all.
C. Not too much...I try to stay away from it.

18. I make fun of fat people:
A. Only when it's necessary
B. Every chance I get
C. I would never make fun of an unlucky overweight individual.......(don't lie...fat people suck.)

19. When it comes to smoking...
A. I do sometimes when I'm drunk
B. I have a free motorcycle and bedroom set from Marlboro.
C. If I smoke it's probably because I was recently on fire.

20. My occupation is...
A. I am a goat herder.
B. I pay someone to take pictures of me and call myself a model.
C. I don't want to talk about my job.
D. Joe Redner is my sugar daddy.
E. Hurray student loans!

21. Clothing is
A. Recommended during business hours with a professional attitude while conveying comfort, and yet vitality, at evening events.
B. Used mainly to whisk away sweat and block UV rays.
C. Optional.

22. Children are
A. The joy of our lives and best hope for the future.
B. Able to carry 15% of their body weight in gear and food and heal quickly.

23. In terms of spontaneity, I
A. Keep an extra change of clothes in my car at all times
B. Need to check my calendar, ah yes, I can pencil you in for the afternoon of the 12th.
C. Give me 20 minutes and I'll be showered, packed, and already on the road. Tell me what we're doing later.

24. In terms of knowledge regarding nature I
A. Can mimic the mating call of the bald eagle
B. Can usually tell the difference between flora and fauna and categorize by Kingdom.
C. It either comes in a box, the frozen section, or in the produce section of Publix.
D. Hey look, a cute little bear cub, let's go get a closer picture. Hmm, where's mommy?

25. My navigation abilities would best be described as
A. I get calls from Garmin and Magellan looking for insight.
B. Know for sure the direction I'm heading just by looking at the sun in the early morning or late afternoon.
C. On Star!! Help!!