The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

This is for a platonic, outdoor chick to accompany on various camping, kayaking, and hiking trips. Applicants are encouraged to make up their own responses. Creativity, humor, and references to criminal or sexual deviancy are encouraged and subject to a more favorable score. There are several positions available for this placement, so check the links of past excursions on the right side of the blog and see if you're interested in a similar adventure.

1.) I would describe my physical appearance as
A. I'm hot.
B. I clean up real good.
C. I can barely see through my dreadlocks and am currently eating cold refried beans out of a can with a stick. Soap weighs too many ounces.
D. My mama says I sure do look purty.

2.) I would complain vocally if
A. I had a minor sunburn.
B. The incompetent cad at Starbucks made my expresso latte the wrong temperature.
C. Both my legs showed broken protrusions.

3.) Pancakes and eggs are
A. Some kind of breakfast food.
B. One of the great pleasures in life.
C. I wouldn't know. I'm a vegan and only eat non-violently harvested soybeans.

4.) I would react to a non life-threatening injury of my friends by
A. Turning a funny color and passing out.
B. Rushing to his or her assistance with a first aid kit and the knowledge of how to apply.
C. Pointing and laughing.

5.) I am filling this out because
A. I fell off the jungle gym and wound up in here.
B. This keeps me from masturbating so much.
C. I like to endlessly tease Mike Blitch by crushing his hopes and fantasies like a kumquat.
D. I want to be the best damn token female camping chick I can be.

6.) I comfortably climb
A. The stairs at the mall
B. 5.09 or below
C. 5.10 or above

7.) I would describe my mental stability as
A. I'm fairly level headed.
B. Unfuckwithable.
C. Sometimes I watch you sleep.
D. "It puts the lotion in the basket!!!"

8.) I am fearful of
A. Heights.
B. Unusually large chipmunks.
C. Absolutely nothing, you pansy

9.) My mental acuity would best be described with the phrase
A. What does acuity mean? My favorite color is clear.
B. I'm gonna go to tech school to be a welder.
C. I's smart enough to read this here sentence.
D. I have a Masters degree or Ph.D and can school you into the ground, bitch!

10.) As far as Paris Hilton goes
A. She is my role model.
B. I want to slap her with her dead rat dog.

11.) One of my most defining characteristics is
A. My sense of humor.
B. My ability to push past minor discomfort and focus on the trail or task at hand
C. My addiction to crystal meth.

12. The craziest thing I've ever done on a scale of 1-10 would be_________. If "1" were to equal you walking around all day at the mall and not finding anything that fits, and if 10 were to equal you being in a cage fight with a wildabeast while rabid wolves are gnawing on your armpits.

13. My friends would describe my personality as:
A. Bubbly and sometimes a little air headed
B. Fun and witty
C. A tourettic homicidal maniac diagnosed with advanced delusional schizophrenia and involuntary narcissistic rage.

14. When someone mentions "The Great Outdoors" the first thing that comes to your mind is:
A. "Do they take credit cards?"
B. "I hope the showers and toilets are clean...there aren't going to be bugs are there?"
C. "Camping, and having a GREAT time with the coolest Tampa hiker around!"

15. When it comes to drinking:
A. I only have a few...just enough to get a buzz and then I'm done.
B. I don't drink
C. Sometimes I wake up with puke all over my hair and rug burns on my knees.... thats about the time I notice that I'm in bed with 3 dudes, a chick, peanut butter everywhere, and I've got absolutely no clue where I'm at, My keys and purse are gone...and ironically so are my pants....Drinking rocks!

16. When it comes to cell phones I:
A. Had it surgically attached to my head
B. Answer it when it's someone important
C. Hate that godforsaken electronic object.
D. Just turn it on vibrate and write my number on all the bathroom stalls.

17. When it comes to drama...
A. My life is like a soap opera with a shiny smile
B. I hate my parents and the world. The army of darkness is upon us all.
C. Not too much...I try to stay away from it.

198. When it comes to smoking...
A. I do sometimes when I'm drunk
B. I have a free motorcycle and bedroom set from Marlboro.
C. If I smoke it's probably only because I was recently on fire.

19. My occupation is...
A. I am a goat herder.
B. I pay someone to take pictures of me and call myself a model.
C. I don't want to talk about my job.
D. Joe Redner is my sugar daddy.
E. Hurray student loans!

20. Clothing is
A. Recommended during business hours with a professional attitude while conveying comfort, and yet vitality, at evening events.
B. Used mainly to whisk away sweat and block UV rays.
C. Completely optional.
D. Mixed in a pile on the floor with everyone else's.

21. Children are
A. The joy of our lives and best hope for the future.
B. Able to carry 15% of their body weight in gear and food and heal quickly.
C. Best when they belong to others.

22. In terms of spontaneity, I
A. Keep an extra change of clothes in my car at all times
B. Need to check my calendar, ah yes, I can pencil you in for the afternoon of the 12th.
C. Give me 20 minutes and I'll be showered, packed, and already on the road. Tell me what we're doing later.
D. Talk to me next year or around retirement age.

23. In terms of knowledge regarding nature I
A. Can mimic the mating call of the bald eagle
B. Can usually tell the difference between flora and fauna and categorize by Kingdom.
C. It either comes in a box, the frozen section, or in the produce section of Publix.
D. Hey look, an adorable little bear cub, let's go get a closer picture with him. Hmm, where's mommy?

26. My navigation abilities would best be described as
A. I get calls from Garmin and Magellan looking for insight.
B. Know for sure the direction I'm heading just by looking at the sun in the early morning or late afternoon.
C. On Star!! Help!!

27. Nature is:
A. Best kept outdoors and viewed through a picture window.
B. The sole reason I exist and mother of my soul.
C. Ahhhh, get it off me, get it off me! Ahhhhhhhh.

28. Why do you want to apply?
A. I find you very attractive
B. You seem interesting
C. You're funny, even though looks aren't everything
D. I've evaluated many possibilities and you seem to have the best genetic makeup

29. My idea of a vacation is:
A. Driving to a local beach and sitting out in the sun all day with occasional toe-dippings into the water.
B. Flying to an exotic foreign beach and sitting out in the sun all day with occasional toe-dippings into the water.
C. Working hard all year so I can go out in the woods and pretend I am homeless for two weeks.
D. Sitting at home catching up on episodes of Hell's Kitchen and Desperate Housewives.

30. I'd say my level of ability to communicate is:
A. You better know what I am thinking/feeling at all times without any hints from me.
B. I prefer txting to actually talking since I am afraid of confrontation or any level of conversation.
C. If something bothers me, I'll let you know. If it continues to bother me, I'll actually continue to be forthright and sharing of my concerns.
D. Grunts and clicks reminiscent of pre-verbal societies.

31. I see my death as ....
A. Being alone in my bed surrounded by family or at least with my thoughts of a life well lived.
B. Seeing it coming and hoping as my life flashes before my eyes it is one hell of a highlight reel.
C. Being peaceful in my deep sleep like my grandad and not screaming like his passengers.


__________________X I agree that the above information is correct and promise to not let the truth get in the way of a good story..