Token female camping companion wanted, apply within

This is for a platonic, outdoor chick to accompany on various camping, kayaking, and hiking trips. Applicants are encouraged to make up their own responses. Creativity, humor and references to criminal or sexual deviancy are encouraged and subject to a more favorable score.

1.) I comfortably climb
A. The stairs at the mall
B. 5.10 or below
C. 5.11 or above

2.) I would complain vocally if
A. I had a sunburn.
B. The incompetent lout at Starbucks made my mocha latte the wrong temperature.
C. Both my legs were broken.

3.) Pancakes are
A. Some kind of breakfast food.
B. One of the great pleasures in life.
C. I wouldnt know. Im a vegan and only eat non-violently harvested soybeans.

4.) I would react to a non life-threatening injury of my friends by
A. Turning a funny color and passing out.
B. Rushing to his or her assistance with a first aid kit.
C. Pointing and laughing.

5.) I am filling this out because
A. I fell off the jungle gym and wound up in here.
B. This keeps me from masturbating so much.
C. I like to endlessly tease Mike Blitch by crushing his hopes and fantasies like a kumquat.
D. I want to be the best damn token female camping chick I can be.

6.) I would describe my physical appearance as
A. I'm hot.
B. I clean up real good.
C. I can barely see through my dreadlocks and am currently eating cold refried beans out of a can with a stick.

7.) I would describe my mental stability as
A. Im fairly level headed.
B. Unfuckwithable.
C. Sometimes I watch you sleep.
D. "It puts the lotion in the basket!"

8.) I am fearful of
A. Heights.
B. Unusually large chipmunks.
C. Absolutely nothing.

9.) My mental acuity would best be described with the phrase
A. What does acuity mean?
B. I'm gonna go to tech school to be a welder.
C. I's smart enough to read this here sentence.
D. I have a Masters degree or Ph.D and can school you into the ground, bitch!

10.) As far as Paris Hilton goes
A. She is my role model.
B. I want to slap her with her dead rat dog.
C. She is my sister.

11.) One of my most defining characteristics is
A. My sense of humor.
B. My wheelchair.
C. My addiction to crystal meth.

12. The craziest thing I've ever done on a scale of 1-10 would be_________. If "1" were to equal you walking around all day at the mall and not finding anything that fits, and if 10 were to equal you being in a cage fight with a wildabeast while rabid wolves are gnawing on your armpits.

13. My friends would describe my personality as:
A. Bubbly and sometimes a little airheaded
B. Fun and witty
C. A tourettic homicidal maniac diagnosed with advanced delusionary schizzophrenia and involuntary narcissistic rage.

14. When someone mentions "The Great Outdoors" the first thing that comes to your mind is:
A. "Do they take credit cards?"
B. "I hope the showers and toillets are clean...there aren't going to be bugs are there?"
C. "Camping, and having a GREAT time with the coolest Tampa hiker around!"

15. When it comes to drinking:
A. I only have a few...just enough to get a buzz and then I'm done.
B. I don't drink
C. Sometimes I wake up with puke all over my hair and rug burns on my knees.... thats about the time I notice that I'm in bed with 3 dudes, a chick, peanut butter everywhere, and I've got absolutely no clue where I'm at, My keys and purse are gone...and ironically so are my pants....Drinking rocks!

16. When it comes to cell phones I:
A. Had it surgically attached to my head
B. Answer it when it's someone important
C. Hate that godforsaken electronic object.
D. Just turn it on vibrate and write my number on all the bathroom stalls.

17. When it comes to drama...
A. My life is like a soap opera with a shiny smile
B. I hate my parents
C. Not too much...I try to stay away from it.

18. I make fun of fat people:
A. Only when it's necessary
B. Every chance I get
C. I would never make fun of an unlucky overweight individual.......(don't lie...fat people suck.)

19. When it comes to smoking...
A. I do sometimes when I'm drunk
B. I have a free motorcycle and bedroom set from Marlboro.
C. If I smoke it's probably because I was recently on fire.

20. My occupation is...
A. I am a goat herder.
B. I pay someone to take pictures of me and call myself a model.
C. I don't want to talk about my job.
D. Joe Redner is my sugar daddy.

21. Clothing is
A. Recommended during business hours with a professional attitude while conveying comfort, and yet vitality, at evening events.
B. Used to wisk away sweat and block UV rays.
C. Optional.

22. Children are
A. The joy of our lives and best hope for the future.
B. Able to carry 15% of their body weight in gear and food.